I wrote this like 8 months ago and then never posted it because I only ever write/post when I’m in the throes of a personal crisis and it’s getting kind of tired… like we get it, you’re angsty.
(Also, this is unrelated and literally no one asked, but I want it on the record that my crises aren’t existential. And furthermore, I think a lot of people misuse “existential crisis.” Just because you’re having a crisis doesn’t mean it’s existential. I’m not concerned with the meaning/purpose of existence, mine or generally. It’s none of my business. Philosophers are nerds and/or freaks, and either way I’m just not really interested. Get a hobby.)
It’s 2AM and, you guessed it, I’m in the throes of another personal crisis. I was in denial until I texted my mom “i wish i could just crawl out of my skin and be someone else” a few minutes ago. Simply undeniable crisis vibes.
Reading back my own words from 8 months ago was oddly comforting. A reminder that this too shall pass, etc. So I’m posting them. So I can read them whenever I want (need), wherever I am. Digital footprint be damned!! Enjoy, future me, and hopefully I’ll be back soon with something less sad/desperate.
I’ve started a lot of these and then abandoned them immediately because I get overwhelmed. It’s been a while. In a sense, I’ve done a lot of things and there’s so much to fill you (future me) in on. But in another sense, I have accomplished nothing and I am filled with enough despair/malaise/ennui to fill the Seven Seas.
The biggest thing for now is that I’m staying in New York for another (third) year. Moving to Brooklyn. It seems obvious because I work here and I have no plans to get a new job and literally why would I leave? But oh god I desperately tried to leave. Life can be so suffocating, even when there’s nothing materially wrong and you’re fine and why do you feel so bad?
I turned 25 last year and had a bit of a crisis. Time passes and you get further and further from the things that made you so happy and you stop recognizing the person you were in photos. Like she’s me, but she’s so distant. She’s me, but I haven’t really smiled like that in a long time. And that’s a grim thought to have. Like, I’m 25 and I haven’t felt right since I was 22? TWENTY TWO?? I’m gonna be sick.
Anyway. Just had my 26th birthday a few days ago. I don’t care about age as a number, I don’t think. It’s what the number signifies in time. Wasted time. Stagnant time. Time trapped.
I’m working on practicing positivity. (It’s an uphill battle, if you can’t tell.) So here are 25 things I did (that happened to me?) while 25. Just to remind myself it wasn’t a totally empty, skippable year.
1. Had a yearlong emotional crisis. (Kind of impressive if you think about it!)
2. Got kind of promoted at work. (I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m loving the vibes.)
3. Ate a lot of tuna sandwiches. (I’m tired of pretending I don’t love tuna. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Sober, drunk, or hungover. I literally don’t care – I’m eating tuna.)
4. Watched most of my friends have birthdays before me. (Omg old hags.)
5. Read a few books. Not a crazy amount, but y’know… enough to prove I’m technically literate.
6. Got covid for the first time. (Ok girl!!)
7. Was Paddington for Halloween. (The marmalade sandwiches I tried to distribute were decidedly not a hit.)
8. Visited some pals in Boston. (Excellent museum vibes. The Met wants what the MFA has.)
9. Cheffed up a veggie béchamel lasagna. (Haters will say a lasagna is so easy to make. And they’re right, but not the way I do it ok I labored for that lasagna.)
10. Spent Christmas alone for the 2nd year. (I don’t mind this one actually.)
11. Got my covid booster. (Apple of the CDC’s eye.)
12. Built a table. (This was a whole saga that really needs its own post.)
13. Got into elderflower liqueur. (How did it take me so long? Shit slaps.)
14. Starred in a music video. (As an extra.)
15. Started a positivity journal that I’ve actually been able to keep up with. (Mostly.) (!!!)
16. Got really into melon – honeydew, cantaloupe, those bastard hybrid ones … idc I’ll slice into any fucking melon.
17. Went to Cincinnati to visit Fiona the Hippo. (This also deserves its own post.)
18. Got the worst haircut of my entire life that I didn’t even a little bit ask for. (The stylist literally quit the salon. He fucked my shit up so bad he gave up on his dreams.)
19. Went to a lot of concerts. (Highlights include: Pitbull, The Strokes, Dua Lipa, Hippo Campus, The Neighbourhood, Inhaler, Lorde)
20. Visited British Katie and northern England. (Mostly via drinking heavily.) (Didn’t find a husband but c’est la vie.)
21. Fell in love with fish and chips with mushy peas. Big mushy peas girl. Give me mushy peas 7 days a week. You really can’t judge a book (mushy peas) by its cover (how dumb it sounds).
22. Got covid for the second time. (Charming!!)
23. Missed Gabrielle’s wedding while I isolated in her Parisian apartment with covid. (This was kind of a bummer, not gonna lie.)
24. Explored Nice and Cannes solo. (#Bliss for a solitary creature like me.)
25. Got my helix pierced in Manchester. (New aesthetic alert!!)
reina snophia 